Yuuto, Part III: Post-game Analysis
If my life is like a comic book, I think I'm due for a damned love interest
July 20th, 2009
So after that night I never heard from Yuuto again. And honestly, I don't know where things went wrong, which means I'm disappointed, but not devastated. Was it the trannie thing? Was he more put off by that than he let on? (If that is the case, then I appreciate that he didn't say so, since the absolute last thing I need right now is further proof that nobody wants trannies.) Was it because the sex was bad? Had he wanted me to top? Should I have kept my clothes on so he didn't have to see a body still under construction? Was it the next day when I didn't quite know how to deal with him outside of bed? In short, did I manage to find someone who was okay with the trannie thing, only to drive him away on my own merits? (And if so, is that better or worse...?)
At this point, I doubt I'll ever know. And in the end, I still consider the whole affair a net gain -- because if nothing else, I have proved to myself that I am capable of pulling hot guys, even if I haven't quite figured out how to keep them yet. This gives me a small measure of confidence that I'll be able to do it again.
However, getting naked with Yuuto also drove home just how profoundly unhappy and insecure I am with my own body. He was perfect. Really. Utterly, unbelievably beautiful, and I'm still sort of bewildered about how I managed to trip him into bed with me.
Whereas I'm... not. To put modesty aside and speak perfectly frankly: I'm hot in clothes. When I've got pants that hug the right places, shirts that are loose around the wrong places, and a binder to hold my chest down, I look damned good. Without clothes, not so much. I'm in that weird, work-in-progress state between a female body and a male one. I still have excess weight in my hips (female) but I've also accumulated a bit of excess weight around my midsection (male, and UNFAIR since that was caused by the cholesterol meds I had to take, for cholesterol that was only fucked up because of T in the first place). And also due to T, my breasts aren't even appealing to people who like such things, because they've lost mass but not surface area. I'm lumpy in the wrong places, and I never felt it more keenly than when I found myself naked and in stark contrast with someone who was everything I wanted to be.
And that's a boner-killer, let me tell you. It doesn't matter how unbelievably hot your partner is. I didn't mention it in the previous post, because I had every confidence that we could improve with practice, but the sex with Yuuto was lousy. I couldn't get into it, and it was my own bloody body issues getting in the way.
So yeah, I seriously want tits-off surgery now. (Also known as "top surgery".) That's why I'm still with Nova. Because their contract is surprisingly generous, and moreover, I'm not finding anything else. The cost seems to range between $5,000 and $18,000, depending on what else you want to package with it. Hysterectomy? Sure. Cock surgery? Stay away from my crotch, kthanxbai. The technology isn't there yet.
Eventually I'll be going to Thailand for my sex-change surgery. And no, that doesn't get any less skeezy-sounding the more times you say it. I'm as bemused as you are.
Oh, transsexuality: weird and improbable and why is this happening to ME? There's no self-pity in that, just... bewilderment. Seriously, how did I end up like this? That's what I've been thinking since I first realized it, and it's not getting any less true. The funny part is that I have a brochure from my doctor's office, offering a sex change surgery + tour of Thailand as part of an all-in-one package.
Visit scenic Thailand! Get your tits off! This is a weird world we live in, people.
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